what we used to call love

2009-06-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

icons by brokat at lightened.

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise,In memory of what we used to call in love,And only time will tell if violins will swell."Fell In Love Without You" by Motion City Soundtrack

Francoise Sagan's Bonjour Tristesse has captured a special piece of my heart. Upon reading it earlier this year in April, the idea of the 'beachy summer' was forever changed for me: instead of the laughing, dancing frivolities that are often imposed on every thought, but it was lonely solidarity. There's something beautiful there, too, but it's not conventional. Delicacy, sadness, isolation... it's all illustrated as something beautiful.

I'm sure that it's not only me who can identify with Cécile; the childlike naivity that people expect but the veneer and eventual acutal maturity that people graciously prefer. She's a child but doesn't act like one - and upon examination of the prose, you realize that she doesn't know what she's supposed to be. Bonjour Tristesse, or Hello Sadness, is a fitting name for this novel. To most, this would turn readers away - however, this is one of the few books I would definately back into a tote and take to the beach. It's as beautiful as it is sad, as tear inducing as it is funny. And isn't life?

I'm sick of people saying that you have to be surrounded by success, successful people, and rewards of your successes to be happy. The overarching idea of most people seems to be that if you have money, you're happy. It is an essential truth that money is required to live life easily, but that's the essential word. Easily... I can't say that an 'easy' life is the one which is going to be happy. I can easily say that I would want something interesting, and if that means that I have friends who smoke, or have coworkers who give me a hard time, make mistakes, fall out with people I love, or fall and bang my head sometimes, then so be it. I'm sure that, in the long run, it's more fufulling.

As a student, there are more things - more pressing things - that are imposed on people like me. Homework, exams, universities, good marks... it's always nagging at the back of your head. And an education is important, yes: I'm not denying that. I'm most certainly not denying that! But it's the other things that cause my brow to furrow. Why do we, as students, have to have a group of friends around us for every second of the day? Why is it so bad for us to take a minute out of the day for ourselves and our thoughts, or one of our favorite books? Why is being alone - flying solo, self-imposed isolation - so taboo?

It seems to be automatic that people think that someone alone is either in trouble or unhappy. They must have had something happen to them, something must have happened to their friends... but when people get the answer that they're just fine and happy this way, they are stunned. It's true that humans are social creatures, but we're also incredibly private. Personally, I would hate to have to spend all my time with other people, without a moment to myself or to my thoughts. All my best work appears when I'm alone, and so are some of my happiest moments. Driving down the M11 listening to Radio 1, not saying a word but perfectly happy and - to the surprise of some - creating some of the best memories of that year? (And it certainly wasn't a bad year!) To some, that would be almost perverse.

I realize that this has a lot to do with the personality of a human. I'm independant and not someone who relies constantly on validation, backup, or communication from friends or other people. I don't feel inadequate when I'm alone; quite the contrary, in fact. I feel more like myself, like I don't have an image to uphold anymore... even though I don't have an 'image' to 'uphold'. It's a remarkable feeling, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I value the times which are social and I wouldn't be happy to have to live without them... but I'm tired of the idea that you have to be in a gang to be happy being forced on me.

Maybe the feeling of loneliness and sadness is what makes me admire things like Bonjour Tristesse. Maybe it's why I find Marilyn Monroe so enchanting - there's a loneliness about her, sometimes only captured in certain photographs.

If I'm not chatting away, I'm fine. If I'm not rolling on the floor laughing, I'm still happy. If I've not got a posse of people with me wherever I go, I'm not depressed. If I've got a straight face, I'm okay. Why is this so hard for people to believe? Well, believe this: one of my goals for this year is to go to a beach (I would love somewhere in California - La Jolla or San Francisco - or England), early in the morning when no one is there and walk along the shore, alone and with my thoughts; maybe with a book and a picnic for on the sand... and that's one thing that I'm looking forward too more than all the rest.

lure me away in the summertime.

what we used to call love